


On Loss

by Aranassa



Category: Horizon: Zero Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25918381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aranassa/pseuds/Aranassa
Summary: Avad reflecting on his time with Ersa and her death.The Aloy/Erend is implied. This focuses only on Avad's feelings for Ersa so it does not bring up any flirtation Avad attempted with Aloy in the game.
Relationships: Aloy/Erend (Horizon: Zero Dawn), Avad/Ersa (Horizon: Zero Dawn)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	On Loss

**Author's Note:**

> 90% of my attention span in this game was devoted to Aloy/Erend once he was introduced, about 9% was on what was happening with the machines and Aloy's personal development, and the other 1% was very peripherally on the other characters. I did think a lot about Avad's position especially when it came to Ersa though, and I felt like I wanted to write something about that...so here it is!

I remember the day we met. You had been forced to be a servant at the palace, my father’s reward for your success in the ring. You carried yourself with a confidence and ferocity that I found pleasantly intimidating. You weren’t intimidated by me at all.

I liked you immediately. You were stunning and brave. There was a fire in your eyes that matched the fire in my heart, and we became friends out of our mutual ire at the injustices of my father. You saw that I was different from him, that I was working towards peace, that I sought change as you did.

When the opportunity came, I helped you escape in the night, my heart breaking at the thought that I might never see my friend again. But it was your best chance. I had to believe that things would get better, that our paths would meet in the future.

Two years later, when my brother was executed, I knew there was nothing further I could do from within the walls of the palace. I fled, seeking you out, knowing that if I could find you, we could take down my father together.

When we succeeded, we were surrounded by the dust of Meridian, blood staining our hands and triumph filling our hearts, but there was no time to mourn what was lost. We needed to rebuild, restructure, make things right. There were new weights on our shoulders.

It made political sense to make you captain of the Vanguard because you had been there in the battle, and the people trusted you, believed in you, wanted to fight for you. It was easy to see how an alliance between our people could begin there.

It made personal sense to make you captain of the Vanguard because I selfishly needed to keep you close, to never need to say goodbye to you again. This was, of course, a rather adolescent thought, since many of your assignments took you out of the city. But, having witnessed you in battle, I was always confident you would return.

We worked closely together and our relationship rapidly became more personal than political. Before I knew it, I was wishing I had been born to any other life that would have allowed us to be together publicly. The people were not ready, they never would have allowed it.

But that didn’t change the fact that you were an eternal blaze that I would have died for. I was ready to wield my power irresponsibly in your favor. For you I would have found a way to move mountains, part seas, raise storms.

We’d kiss in the shadows, whisper secrets in the dark, and in the light, I’d admire you from afar, as the Earth admires the Sun.

We were a secret that few knew about, that went overlooked by those closest to us because it couldn’t last forever. We were made from risks, placing our hearts on the line as we had our lives. We were trying to pave a way to peace, to a world where a relationship like ours could be celebrated instead of abhorred, knowing it would never happen in our lifetimes. These things take time that we didn’t have.

I lived knowing that I would be forced to someday watch you with someone else while I sat alone on my throne. I darkly waited for the day I would live in bitter jealousy. The day we would be torn apart by circumstance, never dreaming that your death would be what would separate us. Now I wish I could feel that jealousy instead of this pain.

But I knew the day would come when we could no longer be together. I knew. I knew. I knew.

I knew nothing.

I knew nothing of what the loss would feel like.

I remember when they told me you had been killed. I don’t even recall who it was that delivered the news, but I do remember the blinding rage I used to mask my despair, to cover the sword that had been plunged through my body to the hilt.

The next days were dark.

Your brother was inconsolable and forced to carry on your legacy. Your people were distraught at the loss of their captain. We scrambled to find peace and justice and I vowed as their king to find those who were responsible.

I vowed as your servant to avenge you.

The worst part was that I couldn’t claim to have lost you myself. You were never mine to begin with, never mine to keep. I had no choice but to suffer in silence.

I remember when the news came that you were in fact alive. I wanted desperately to rescue you myself. Not that you were ever someone who needed saving, but I had to see you with my own eyes as soon as possible. A spark of hope lit in my chest.

Of course, my position as king would not allow for this, so I stayed behind thinking of nothing but your safe return. I hoped too soon, loved too deeply, selfishly needed you to come back to me.

When your brother returned and told me you had died in his arms, ice filled my veins. This time, instead of a blade, it was arrows raining down on me, piercing every inch of my skin.

The worst part was realizing I didn’t know how to exist without you. Water doused the flame of hope I held onto, sadness eclipsed rage.

Enough of my losses, what about yours?

You wanted a brood of children to train into soldiers that we dreamed could be ours but knew could never come to fruition.

You wanted to see your brother grow up and find himself. And he has, thanks to a strong young woman not unlike yourself, the one who helped him find you moments before it was too late. But you didn’t get to experience his transformation. You’ll never see how he’s changed. 

And the girl? You would have liked her. You would have approved of them together. You would have been friends.

You wanted peace for our nations, safety for our peoples. One war bleeds into to another though, and you missed our fight against the machines, you missed how a common enemy brought people together. You would have loved the challenge of the fight, unlike any other known to man.

It has been months and I still feel your absence in every moment. Still, the light cast over the Sundom seems dimmer. Now I wait for the day where I will feel it less, but I have no desire to forget the shadows of the past. Even if it had been possible, we both knew you had no desire for a crown, but even so you will always be my queen.


End file.
